Going around in circles

A lot of the people I chat to who have similar problems to mine comment that they feel like they are going around in circles, not getting anywhere, keep going back to square one.  As you will know from my previous blogs I have frequently felt the same cycle of despair.

It occurs to me this is because I am going around in circles.  Take a look at these diagrams:

OCD Cycle

 The Self Harm Cycle

 The Binge Eating Cycle

In all cases there is one way out of the circle and that is to identify a point at which you will break the cycle. The more ingrained the behaviour the harder it is to break but the important thing is that we realise we need to break it or else go around in circles.

I have mastered this to a degree with my OCD.  If i have an intrusive thought e.g. "if I make a drink for my husband I will put poison in it and kill him" instead of temporaily relisiving the anxiety with a avoidance - i.e. making him get his own drink, I will make sure I force myself to make the drink.

This is not easy, it makes me feel sick inside and the OCD tricks me into thinking I am poisoning him which hightens my anxiety even further.  but when he doesn't drop down dead it sends a clear message that the OCD was to blame.  The more I do this the free-er i become from the cycle of OCD.

A little perspective

Sometimes i let my eating control my life.  I spend my life planning diets, exercise and reading self help books but even when i do have a plan i still spent every unoccupied minute going over things and trying to think of a perfect solution to all my problems.

Truth is there is no perfect solution and my search for perfection is misplaced. So from now on I am going to try and be a do-er not a planner.  There's a time and a place for planning but it shouldn't take over your life.

I often let being fat stop me from doing things.  I shouldn't.  Because then i'm fat and a recluse which is clearly worse!  So from now on despite what happens with my eating i'm not going to let it stop me doing things I want to do.

When you feel down

Sometimes I feel so down i feel like the next hour will never pass, like this weight on my shoulders will crush me way before I can get help.

My husband always asks me what's upset me, what is causing me to feel down and a lot of the time the answer "I'm not sure" infuriates him.  "You must know what it is" he says.  

More than often there is a trigger, a task I am doing goes wrong or I feel like I am not going to get everything I need to do done to the perfectionist standard I force upon myself, but the resulting depression is so disproportionate to this trigger.  Suddenly I feel as if nothing is or has ever been right or enjoyable or will ever be again.  The regret I feel about small parts of my life is magnified and crushes me and I look in desperation for something to grab onto... something to look forward to.  And there is nothing.  I am numb.  

When I feel like this I find the best solution is to take another step, think what you would normally do if you didn't feel this way and try and carry on.  This song really touches on something of what I feel and what I look for in those moments of despair